Sweet Reminders

There are times when I find something that is in a search for inspiration. It speaks volumes to me simply through experience. I found one author who was writing about her angst now raising a daughter. She spent her own childhood being without a Father. Falling into endless downward spirals, and childhood abuses. In her writing she compared her seeking, to her blessings of having a husband that sees that need in their daughters life. She seeks reminders of her life as it is now. So joyful, blessed & full of life, with her husband that adores all the children in a true approach, that makes her heart skip a little. After sharing about her childhood & all the measures she took to be noticed through her years growing up, the author ended her blog with. "Do you have a daughter?"

Here is part of one Father's response;
"As a husband/father who has dealt with countless hours of counseling in the past, helping my wife to overcome “absent father” issues from her childhood, it has brought the following to light for me personally:
Little girls need their Daddy’s. Daddy’s need their wives to push them/encourage them to do one-on-one activities with their little girls.
It’s tough, trying to break a past generational curse of absentee-fatherism… But, I know deep inside that every little TINY thing that I do to encourage my daughter is ultimately building towards her future. Moms & Wives encourage Dads to spend time with your daughters. It can ultimately make all the difference IN THE WORLD in the future life of your little girl."

Staircases

Pause at the bottom. -When we really pause and share our thoughts are we taking a step of faith?

Taking the first step up. -A step on this new staircase that leads to a deeper trust.

Continuing a few more steps. -There is more appreciation for love than for food.

Running all the way up a full flight.-When there are times we runaway only to want to be found.

At the top & pausing again.  -Something like the lost sheep theory that strikes a chord with our faith.

Meeting a friend at the top & planning to go down. - Join me in this journey.

Carefully taking steps down, & trying not to trip each other. -You will see more clearly of what this life has to offer once the veil is lifted.

Counting every step as it reaches a new level. -Speaking truths, only to be quieted by questions.

Now at the bottom again.- It is a turn in our view when we see the whole picture.

Leaving the staircase. -This is a walk in the forest. A new relationship with time, with true searching.

I found you in this place again. -Peace.

"Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase." ~Martin Luther King Jr.

Everyday has minutes

I was reading a lot of blogs in the last day and was fascinated by the amount of life that is recorded. From amazing recipes, to giveaways, to stories of life in the mountains and in the prairies. I decided to pause and really grasp today in this very minute.
My house is quiet as I write, the children are sleeping in after a fun summer night. There are plans to discover a new hiking trail today, pack a picnic and soak in these last days before August is over. Our little girl and youngest has been learning big girl tasks and dancing more. It has been a short summer more because I am enjoying these 'last' baby days, savoring that this stage is also coming to an end. Though Fall is my favorite season of rest, this summer will be the last one that I have babies to raise up, last summer carrying a baby everywhere we are, last diapers. From this moment on everyday will be firsts in this big wide world for all 4 children learning from our careful instruction. This is an emerging moment, where I know close to my heart, this summer will be cherished and remembered for many years.

Living Water

Today is the day that I prayed for you.
Yesterday is past, tomorrow still has time to start.
I stood watching you in the glass reflection, you paused with me and smiled for a instant.
Today is the day I prayed for you.
Do you feel your heart healing, & your mind relaxing?
It's going to be in a minute that will pass, or perhaps an hour that comes and goes, please remember.
I love you to pieces and I am so pleased to know that you have walked this journey with me. You opened my eyes to the loving hands and hearts that surround my life, believe with me that this will only be one prayer, the rest has bathed you in waiting.
Notice this passage:

"On the last and greatest day of the Feast, Jesus stood and said in a loud voice, 'If anyone is thirsty, let him come to me and drink. Whoever believes in me, as the Scripture has said, streams of living water will flow from within him.'" -John 7:37-38

Feel it now? Streams of living water for you~(for me).

June

This month is one for reflection. On having our 13th wedding anniversary, 'by myself' I was challenged to wonder why do I celebrate milestones in my life. That is something that I get so excited about, a week before a Birthday, a anniversary, Christmas , even groundhogs day, I feel myself getting chatty about the date that is approaching, and wondering if anyone else even knows that date is on it's way..
Is it the date of the month or the year or is that there was a common sense to how meaningful I had made the date, over the years..this is something that I love, remembering dates!
This year for a celebration of Fathers day we sent D to Vancouver to fish on the ocean with a friend in the channels between the mainland and Vancouver island. It was exhilarating for him to pull up salmon and crabs and other such sea life and bring home to his family 20 pounds of filet salmon to share.
Simply sharing all I really wanted to do this week was pack up for our next move and have a salmon dinner with my family, but life as it often does got in the way, new jobs have started
and we are now hoping to camp in a cabin for the summer and store most of our possessions away
until we have a home of our own again. So much has happened this month, and I am thrilled, it's often hard to share in a nutshell. It would be far more detailed over coffee.
This evening I received the most heartfelt love filled email that left me knowing this life here and now and the everyday is worth the celebration every step we take together.
There is so much more to share...when I have a little more time...

..Health, Happiness & Loss

2 snowstorms this month and 2 trips to B.C. has kept us entirely on our toes to say the least.

A couple weeks into April I felt the need to fly out again, to be by my Grandma's side.

When I booked the flight on Saturday there was no mention that she was

most likely only going to survive 1 or 2 more weeks..

The first night I arrived, was her first night in extended care.

She had been placed in a convalescent room to begin with and had a terrible night,

so within 24 hours they transferred her  to a palliative room..

In the hours that I spent by her side, I felt the need to sing, to cry and to pray..

All her work was done as she faded through the hours..

After returning home for a few days, we celebrated my Birthday Apr. 17

It was a gorgeous day. So peaceful,..and the very same hands that helped deliver me 33 years ago to the day,

died peacefully that same evening. I loved her more than words can express.

We all travelled together for a semi small goodbye reception.

I wanted to share this with you because I believe my lack of experience with loss (through death) numbs my mind a bit, as I hold on to the memories. and I just wanted to share with friends who read here...

When I was this age I never dreamed about being 33 now, wow it shows me how time flies,
when I watch our 4 children change & grow so fast. 
Celebrating my Birthday & sweet joys with my family today! 4/17/77

Ponderings & Wonderings

Wondering if its time & possible to change the look

of this blog, you know maybe I could add a little flare...

Pondering how it is possible that 

Home Church just hits me straight in the heart.

We had such a full Sunday. The theme was overcoming the feelings of shame, because there is no shame for those who are in Christ.

After meeting together, sharing, praying, & eating;

Our care group swooped down on a house that was to me like a reminder of 'coming home'.

This house was what I was raised in, right down to the carpets, broken faucets, and very full 

looking tables and counters, unkept, uncared for, because those that were living there 

were lost, and needing to be loved. 

This was just the same for the man that was living at this house, needing to know that he is accepted, loved, forgiven..

When I got a chance to meet him (a new friend), what hit me the hardest was that he was a complete look-alike to my step-father...

so I hugged him.

 

Time to freshen up!

Starting with a good hair chop.

Music in the air, and learning how to bake bread.

  Moving on to simplifying cupboards and unpacking the rest of our home,.

All in hopes for that Spring fever! 

I Do Miss These...

Tallest is Asher
Recorded him for 5 years here;
along with Ethan, Kai in the middle and their
cousin Mya.
Shortest is Azaelea.
This is my shy attempt of keeping this memory close.

Days go by...

This last week has left us lost and found again.
We were expecting to be a little lost, and then the
move went so well.
Many happy hands helped us from start to finish.
We were completely moved in one day,
 leaving another day to clean. So very thankful!
As we set about unpacking here in our new home, it
has been so pleasant and we are almost done!
What we found was a new adventure. An answered prayer.
Excited to see what is next while we are settling in here.
It feels like a cabin on an acreage, a well hidden abode.
I love listening to the children discovering more and more, that they
enjoy being out in the country, one thing is missing though
they say. A lake!
Today as the boarded the schoolbus for the very first time, I cried
just watching how much joy they had bounding up the stairs of the bus.
As they drove away, it was very clear that days are going by eagerly.

Want more but need to take less

Time to acquire hope.
Peace to sit still.
There was once a time that I needed to go
and not stop until all was accomplished.
The first performance on stage, the first
monologue written, the first dance number, the only
graduation.
What I have learned from the last 15 years is not
that I need to stop and remember but that praying for those
around me that I see or never meet is what is on my heart as of late.
There are times that I say goodbye and my heart aches because
there is a chance I may never see this soul again.
To laugh ~to dance~ to hug ~to cry are all parts of the puzzle we call life.
I want to meet my Dad and look him in his eyes and if he is not living
gaze at a picture of him and know that my second son resembles a part of
his history that I have never known.
We celebrated our son today for his 8th Birthday and within his joy I
saw another year starting, whole new goals awaiting. Another day starting with
Good Morning Mom.

This week we celebrated the littlest lady and our First Born Son.

2 years have flown by faster than his first decade I must say!
10 & 2 Whew, I can't imagine yet, but one day I will be  watching them leave home....
To listen to their future dreams and introduce us to their own new loves.
Then one day maybe only 10 years from now we will hear about travelling and their parents can live vicariously through them.
Will the second decade of parenting go by faster? How will I ever remember all the sweet details that show up in our daily lives. How will I remember their quirks that hung on for so long.
Asher had an army crawl that was so fun to watch and he would always do the splits, swirl his legs behind him and then take off on his elbows propelling him so fast.
Azaelea danced her way to 22 months, bopping her bum up and down but no walking
until one day....
Then there is our other 2 that make up 4 amazing children,
Ethan had this amazing smile that would spread from ear to ear if Coldplay was playing and he adored having a baby doll to carry around cradled in his one arm...
Kai will still put a cape on and build the largest forts and he is one that has always tried to figure out how things work, by first taking it apart.
Day to Day in all its adventures is one day only going to be loving memories, sigh.

October (part deux)

This has been a productive month with projects
well on the way and some even getting finished.

Kai has asked me so intently,
"mom can you knit me a cape, if you have time?"
So we picked up some camoflauge yarn and have
had fun designing one together
it should be done next week at least he would love if it was.
Pictured on this post are 2 favourite hats that I shared the patterns
for in a previous blog. Pixie & boyfriend.

Tomorrow instead of worrying about too much sugar
and hand sanitizing this year, we have chosen to celebrate
a Birthday with a friend who was born on Hallowe'en.
It was very touching when we (the parents) posed the
question to our children.
They all had a chance to answer and they all really wanted to
go on a 'trip' to see friends in Edmonton.
Looking forward to visiting around a fire
and spending time enjoying the company.
I do miss those fun Hallowe'en traditions growing up
of skipping around the neighbourhood trick or treating,
bobbing for apples, hay rides,
pumpkin carving and pies.
Happy Hallowe'en!!

~A question to my knitting friends, I would like to
successfully learn how to half brioche stitch and
get lost after the first row. please help!

 (Originally not posted on January 28, 2009)

I Dream Memories

Sunday night after a full day of memories and tears and hugs I tried to lay down and rest.

There was a prayer that I silently had on my heart all day and that is Lord may we go in peace with the strength that only You can bless us with. Jesus be our love....

When I lay down I could not close my eyes my friends face was there over and over again, and I began to remember. I remembered the first day we met the youth when Drew was asking us to help him lead, and a friendly face was all I needed to see that day, but one I remember the most.

I remember sometimes wanting to share my testimony so much but fearing the words would not come out right, and a friendly voice encouraging me to keep going and share what I can. I remember someone I had never met dying in an unfortunate car accident, right near their home and fearing my tears were not from me I continued to their home. Tears and no words all I could muster was I am sorry, and all I needed to see was my friend walking away and letting me cry.

I remember arriving at your home with our very first baby, and your first baby was there waiting to greet us and that moment is so precious.
Keep friends as family and they will share their families warmth, laughter and kindness on these well worn walking tracks with you, as a guide or a companion.

Happy Birthday To You
Happy Birthday To You

Happy Birthday to Daddy/Daryl
Happy Birthday To You!!!!!!!!!

We truly love you so much.

My poor subconcious mind is having a turmoil this week.
On the occasion that these are growing pains, it will need to be celebrated at a later date.

A week ago Thursday the first incident was that one son was having trouble with a bully
pushing him around during Lunch.
At school we were already speaking to his teacher about including him in the class. Addressing that it was better to not give him extra attention. He was responding bitterly too. We asked that instead could they please add his desk back with the rest of his classmates.
That ruling was passed, yes lots of details but I really do not want to explain here now.,,,,
Then he says please let me stay home from school, (first clue), after school during routine inspections his lunch container is smashed with minor evidence that it has been stomped on, he is mortified of course, because it is sooo messy. Both of his older brothers offer to sit with him in the lunchroom. After calling and what would seem like a peaceful conclusion has been set, son #2 wins an award in front of the school, Hooray! So Son #1 sits alone in a classroom with Son #3. After eating, son#3 stays in class all through recess because he was waiting to be excused. In the process of being alone and fidgety he accidentally cuts the very tip of his finger off with his own scissors!!
Onwards mommy soldier comes in to find out how we can resolve these problems only to land an argument with his teacher. At the end we decide that it is best if we just see it as it is. A challenge and to carry on with the full awareness that we have a year of hand fullness.
Long story, I had a grand encounter with all the teachers that were involved and that issue is
being dealt with well.

On to our weekend, many prayers and many questions and the quiet assurance that Jesus can be our answers when I am trying to regain trust and my own heart back.

Monday Son #1 has a life altering problem that he wants to share. A boy that he thought was a friend last year is harrassing him in the bathroom. Red flags go off! Now with all the descriptions recorded, Prayers have been answered in the most amazing ways. We met with his principal and were reassured with the complete trust that this matter will now be resolved. I watch as Son #1 has a regained confidence to tackle some of lifes challenges.

Right now, in this very moment all I want to do is find a circle that I can share my life with, all the secrets and all the details, just let it all out! Just an answered prayer that my subconcious would have a load off and I will be able to carry on to see who and what gifts that the Lord wants to reveal in my life.

Over tea if asked we can have a lovely talk about the deeper sides of these life stories from this last week, but here on this journal I will try my best to leave out most details.....

Realizing I am a people lover

It is true, really.
I love people and how they lift you up. Take you flying with their encouragement.
When at best I just have a few words to share, they are received with so much gratitude.
How on earth can you take stock of friends,
and why would we ever need to, when
surrounded with so much joy?
Tell me how to pray and I will still pray the way I need to, that is how the heart works, you take a step of faith and listen.
I spent some time in the mountains last weekend. A bit lost, and awkward, because there was no way to tell if I was enjoying myself. But I had a little visitor, a baby boy that is my friends dear son. His mom who is a lovely friend needed to shop in the stores for awhile. As we stood on a corner there were plenty of opportunities to say hi at passersby, smile when they adored him, and give a few compliments to complete strangers. I was floored by the way their faces lit up. By close examination you would think that I should be a tourist and walking around seeing the sights. But as lost as I felt it was a great content to just know where I was at. As an added impact there was a familliar face from years past crossing the street smiling widely and we connected for a few brief moments. You never know where your heart is at when it is searching but what I do know is..
 I am a people lover.

Again this heart is hiding...

Dreams are taking me to far off slumber where I am lost in answers.
Answers that may need to stay deep down.
Deep down in my heart where it can write its own story.
A story where everything that is written is understood.
Understood with words that are spoken gracefully and with a determination.
Determination to settle in for the long travels that are ahead, both from the past and in the future.
In the future a book will be written here in my heart hiding there so that it can not be judged.
Judged by those who refuse to see deeper than what they understand.

Again this heart is hiding it has come to a place that is raw and still runs full steam ahead.
Ahead of challenges, ahead of hurting memories, ahead of numbers and time frames that I try to avoid.
Trying to avoid it never works, if there is something and someone that needs to be encountered it will happen.

In the least likely way, as if appearing in my sight from negative to positive.
Positive because that is what all solutions are made of and its the main ingredients that are needed.
Needed in a heartfelt way that even in my feeble attempts to portray those thoughts in words its becoming a downward spiral.

Please see my heart, and know that my words are not possibly able to describe where I am at right now.
Hear my prayers as they are whispered but felt deep in the core of this being.
Join my thoughts and open the door of understanding.
 There will be someone Jesus sends who has an unquenchable delight in quiet solitude that leads to our lives intertwining with poetry.

What have I learned this year?
Here are some impacts that are in my thoughts.

-A friend of the same cloth that has similar threads and that have been sown close to yours is truly still the most unique friend to have.

-Food will control me when my deepest desire is to hide from the truth.

-Memories take over my dreams and build stories that could have happened and I wake up in sheer terror hoping that its possible for my brain to lie.

-Taking a step of faith is not as easy as cleaning house.

-To live laugh and love is the best medicine for the heart.

-Truthfully expressing my heart in my deepest thoughts is prayer that is worth repeating forever.

-Therapy by myself can include folding laundry and doing dishes even if it is time consuming at least no one else wants to do it with me.

-To believe I can/will lose a relationship is a heartfelt sadness.

-Farmers have markets that attract artists. I like to visit these markets in a center of white topped tents where baskets are filled with their yummy creations that I get to take home.

-Writing without ceasing is going to form stories that need to be told.

-Secrets of the heart that dig deep into the core of a family, have been kept too long and they need to be shared after decades of silence.

-Quirky is as quirky does..

-4 children bring and have so many different love languages they are eager to learn.

-A family that is built on trust prays earnestly loves deeply and walks faithfully, this is what I am told, and hope that happens too.

-This may go for another year, so finally here I have learned that if you put your mind to it, a story of a family who took a fast from convenience has inspired me to reach new depths of my ideas.
To write them down.
It has kept my attention longer than I imagined it would, and in their gifts to their amazing family, I see a book that could be published for someone like myself who can see change begin to happen, but they have experienced the raw truth of a year lived straight back to our growing roots....

What is something that has impacted you this year?