I'm asked on a normal Tuesday:
"What does Depression feel like? How do you know when it really hits?"
What I want to answer with is this:
"The secret to figuring out life: All is grace. Because God's transfiguring all things for His glory." -1000 gifts.
But.. I have no answer.. only hesitation.
Waiting for the right moment to begin.. still waiting for the wise words to rise.
Instead this is my cold writing without hesitating.
What do I have to say here on paper with dust and with tears.
Whatever did I say to you to make you run away.
Forever in this moment I want to hold you.
Life is the definition of insanity.
Speak freely with love and the anger emerges.
Silence murders those moments we cannot stand to be patient.
What happens when frustration comes from no where.
& all we see is colors swirling in and out.
No pausing
only distant calls
so close
yet never far away.
Stand back and watch as our lives interact.
& you can see a call for emergent fear.
I can not explain.
I can not describe.
I will not become the pain, only bring to the surface healing.
As a child reaches for the security of love.
I will reach for the words to write here on paper.
With dust and with tears.
It has been painful to write.
There are so many loops and turns.
I never thought I would ever explore that again.
What needs to be said is that I have wanted help all this time.
& refused to accept it as well.
Helpful eyes, watch with compassion.
Helpful hands stretch out for unresponsive hugs.
Pain grows.
& before I know it
you can see it in my eyes
in my posture
hear it in my voice.
Paint the sky with stars they say.
See a new beginning and reach for it.
Go the distance.
Put yourself out on the line they say
& then I faint under pressure.
I collapse in a deep sleep
& hope that it lasts a long time.
There is not enough time to sleep.
There is not enough coffee to comfort my throat.
Steam the tears.
There is not enough love food to quench my hunger.
A hunger for what?
What am I dismissing?
Oh there is a deep hunger for God.
& then I dismiss my feelings of frustration.
Assuming that I will be found out
considered a fraud
useless to society.
With a feisty temper
& insane to boot.
Frustration is phenomenal to the human psyche.
You can feel the blood boil, see the colors swirl.
You can be a hundred miles off without a world in sight.
There is blackness.
It is causing you to fall into a far off place.
Outer space is off in the distance.
No sound
no air
it's all gone.
It's too far away.
All alone.
What is the first response?
Shutting down.
& then desperation.
Are you ready to give it all away?
Well then
Hallelujah!
Here we start again.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Monday, January 23, 2012
January 23, 2012
On this day 5 years ago..
5 candles burned as our voices sang :: off key.
The candles on the ice cream cake sank in
& we all waited with bated breath.
You made a wish for a baby sister.
"I know my wish will come true."
How I wish { just this once } the sands of time would slow..
This year your wish:
Ultimate FX Lightsaber.
10!
Your double digits are something worth the fist pumps
ninja moves & intellectual conversations with Italian soda.
Counting down these next 365.5 days to your favorite day of the year.
Love you.
Ethan Alex.
Happy Birthday.
Location:January 23, 2012
Sunday, January 15, 2012
intermingling with voices, patterns & coffee.
What starts in the morning, swirling steam through the inner thoughts of this space. This writing.
When I say that I am strong, I mean this: I have been broken in a thousand pieces. I have been fused back together by grace.
When I say that I am treasured, it is because I am loved deeply. Completely. Unceasingly.
In the 14.5 years that I have been married, I have said things I should not have said, done things I should not have done. I’ve ripped him with barbed sarcasm; I’ve let anger win over love.
But also, I have stayed in this thing all the way. I have sat cross-legged on the living room floor until we worked it out. I learned how to cook his favorite meals.
Our jokes are getting a little frayed around the edges now, but we still laugh, doubling over in the kitchen over something not-that-funny, while Azaelea runs in circles around us.
Every Sunday night, I want to plan the week’s meals. Healthy meals. Good meals. Recipes I’ve perhaps pulled out of glossy magazines. I want to make detailed grocery lists, painstakingly noting each ingredient. But I have to try.. have this extra effort. Because around four o’clock on Tuesday, the beginning of the week, I realize we are out of milk, lunch was wasted and I forgot to buy pepper, so we have frozen pizza for dinner :: picnic-style in the living room instead.
The kids are hungry, and I am trying to finish reading an article, tweet a blog link, jot down a beautiful sentence. I am always saying “Just a second.” I am always multi-tasking, always letting someone down, always a little bit unbalanced in my priorities.
But I can’t stop spinning the words under my eager hands, because this is my calling too, just as I am called to hold these children, teach them, wipe their tears. I get up when the world is still dark. Start their breakfasts. Pack school lunches. Drink too much coffee. I write imperfect things.
I try to knit with my Grandmothers needles & wool and it looks a little off. The quilt she made years ago will never be mimicked. The squares don’t quite match in all the corners; the hurried seams are coming undone. But a son naps under it anyway on Sunday afternoons, his breath peaceful under this threadbare display of love.
We are drinking wine while the dishes sit, unwashed in the sink. I am sitting with Daryl watching a movie instead of catching up on laundry. And it might seem like the bread of idleness, but I know better. I am learning that what seems like waste is really love.
Azaelea reaches up first thing in the morning, says, “Mommy, hug.” I walk in the kitchen and Kai smiles like the sun, and this is how they call me blessed. Ethan and Asher beam over clean socks & full bellies. Daryl puts his arm around me as we walk, and it’s a thousand words of praise.
When I say that I am noble, I mean this: crow’s feet and stretch marks and orange hair, with strands turning white with age. I mean that my floor is covered in crumbs. I am still choosing the same outfit three days later, still trying not to nap at two in the afternoon. My kids are wearing worn out jeans to school, & they like them that way.
I mean that I am enough.
Just like this.
Just as I am.
When I say that I am strong, I mean this: I have been broken in a thousand pieces. I have been fused back together by grace.
When I say that I am treasured, it is because I am loved deeply. Completely. Unceasingly.
In the 14.5 years that I have been married, I have said things I should not have said, done things I should not have done. I’ve ripped him with barbed sarcasm; I’ve let anger win over love.
But also, I have stayed in this thing all the way. I have sat cross-legged on the living room floor until we worked it out. I learned how to cook his favorite meals.
Our jokes are getting a little frayed around the edges now, but we still laugh, doubling over in the kitchen over something not-that-funny, while Azaelea runs in circles around us.
Every Sunday night, I want to plan the week’s meals. Healthy meals. Good meals. Recipes I’ve perhaps pulled out of glossy magazines. I want to make detailed grocery lists, painstakingly noting each ingredient. But I have to try.. have this extra effort. Because around four o’clock on Tuesday, the beginning of the week, I realize we are out of milk, lunch was wasted and I forgot to buy pepper, so we have frozen pizza for dinner :: picnic-style in the living room instead.
The kids are hungry, and I am trying to finish reading an article, tweet a blog link, jot down a beautiful sentence. I am always saying “Just a second.” I am always multi-tasking, always letting someone down, always a little bit unbalanced in my priorities.
But I can’t stop spinning the words under my eager hands, because this is my calling too, just as I am called to hold these children, teach them, wipe their tears. I get up when the world is still dark. Start their breakfasts. Pack school lunches. Drink too much coffee. I write imperfect things.
I try to knit with my Grandmothers needles & wool and it looks a little off. The quilt she made years ago will never be mimicked. The squares don’t quite match in all the corners; the hurried seams are coming undone. But a son naps under it anyway on Sunday afternoons, his breath peaceful under this threadbare display of love.
We are drinking wine while the dishes sit, unwashed in the sink. I am sitting with Daryl watching a movie instead of catching up on laundry. And it might seem like the bread of idleness, but I know better. I am learning that what seems like waste is really love.
Azaelea reaches up first thing in the morning, says, “Mommy, hug.” I walk in the kitchen and Kai smiles like the sun, and this is how they call me blessed. Ethan and Asher beam over clean socks & full bellies. Daryl puts his arm around me as we walk, and it’s a thousand words of praise.
When I say that I am noble, I mean this: crow’s feet and stretch marks and orange hair, with strands turning white with age. I mean that my floor is covered in crumbs. I am still choosing the same outfit three days later, still trying not to nap at two in the afternoon. My kids are wearing worn out jeans to school, & they like them that way.
I mean that I am enough.
Just like this.
Just as I am.
Monday, January 02, 2012
beginning 2012
The year begins, and something feels renewed.
A memory of the last year with all the triumphs & losses. Life & laughter.
One memory after another. Thankful posts, counting blessings.
I learned that to believe I can let go will be easier than hanging on.
I let go of my feelings of inadequacy to believe that everything will be ok in the end. It isn't the end yet.
But that strength is there, as wind to my back.
Gaining momentum throughout the whole year.
I'm looking forwards to what the next 364 days have.
Last year I started:
walking, yoga, eating more simply, losing weight
& taking better care of myself.
Now I will run. Make an impact. Change.
A quiet beauty in my week is a group of Wednesdays that welcomed me in the times when I felt lost. As a natural introvert who craves alone time.
Praying, eating, reading, fellowship & empathy. So thankful.
I'm looking forward to solo road trips & flights.
But most of all running a race start to finish.
Because truly I would still claim alone time is necessary for me, often.
Happy New Year!
It feels larger than life!
**one more note:
{Friends, please pray alongside us for Azaelea this week. She will undergo surgery Thursday, to correct her kidney reflux.}
A memory of the last year with all the triumphs & losses. Life & laughter.
One memory after another. Thankful posts, counting blessings.
I learned that to believe I can let go will be easier than hanging on.
I let go of my feelings of inadequacy to believe that everything will be ok in the end. It isn't the end yet.
But that strength is there, as wind to my back.
Gaining momentum throughout the whole year.
I'm looking forwards to what the next 364 days have.
Last year I started:
walking, yoga, eating more simply, losing weight
& taking better care of myself.
Now I will run. Make an impact. Change.
A quiet beauty in my week is a group of Wednesdays that welcomed me in the times when I felt lost. As a natural introvert who craves alone time.
Praying, eating, reading, fellowship & empathy. So thankful.
I'm looking forward to solo road trips & flights.
But most of all running a race start to finish.
Because truly I would still claim alone time is necessary for me, often.
Happy New Year!
It feels larger than life!
**one more note:
{Friends, please pray alongside us for Azaelea this week. She will undergo surgery Thursday, to correct her kidney reflux.}
Wednesday, December 07, 2011
Tuesday, December 06, 2011
All I want for Christmas..
"The secret to figuring out life:
All is grace.
Because God's transfiguring all things for His glory." Ann Voskamp
Over this year I am learning that freedom comes in waves of letting go.
The Celebration of the birth of Christ is a reminder of God's provision for us. To have freedom through His Son.
Quietly, I sit listening.
The mug feels heavy with warmth
& I remember moments..
Light, how it cascades in the forest drawing me closer.
"Let's keep walking, we'll reach the bonfire soon."
Walking the lit up streets at night, with all the festive homes lit up.
"Look at that house, so beautiful."
The snow blowing in the wind,
& with it the air smells so fresh.
"Can you hear singing?"
Sometimes even the deepest rooted lessons that can be learned are the ones that are hidden away for so long for fear of being found out.
When we have a little time to share and no interruptions, there is
a sense of safety.
A peaceful exchange.
Just memories
& the vivid imagination that we all are gifted with.
I'm in this place where the music and words are there.
& though there is beauty, the raw awareness that words are carving a path, has time going by..
Something I could never tire of is twinkly lights.
The way they light & sparkle.
All the while children's eyes catch the moment as they gasp in awe.
Every single year, I watch our children give many gifts wholeheartedly.
Family traditions are so abundant.
Enjoying many gifts all month long.
Including but not limited to: reading together, helping hands, lighting candles, baking to share with neighbours, food hampers, dessert nights with friends, living room music gatherings, hay rides, hot chocolate outings, carolling, family movies, Turkey feasts...
While we most always are travelling each year, this one we are close to home. Along with 2 brand new cousins and Daryl's whole extended family.
The infamous Santa & Mrs.Claus may join us Christmas eve, to hand out Christmas stockings.
Hidden wrapped gifts will be brought out Christmas Day at our home
& each one will be opened or torn into with gusto. With just us.
There are many meaningful gift exchanges in our large family gatherings.
The emptiness under the tree was filled with love. That is where all the cousins often lay baby Jesus in his manger, under the tree.
"Because the star led the wise men to Jesus, they had gifts too."
All this to say I am so looking forward to all of this laughter, life & love.
~ Jesus' Birth
& the whole journey to now, is the reason we celebrate Christmas.~
All is grace.
Because God's transfiguring all things for His glory." Ann Voskamp
Over this year I am learning that freedom comes in waves of letting go.
The Celebration of the birth of Christ is a reminder of God's provision for us. To have freedom through His Son.
Quietly, I sit listening.
The mug feels heavy with warmth
& I remember moments..
Light, how it cascades in the forest drawing me closer.
"Let's keep walking, we'll reach the bonfire soon."
Walking the lit up streets at night, with all the festive homes lit up.
"Look at that house, so beautiful."
The snow blowing in the wind,
& with it the air smells so fresh.
"Can you hear singing?"
Sometimes even the deepest rooted lessons that can be learned are the ones that are hidden away for so long for fear of being found out.
When we have a little time to share and no interruptions, there is
a sense of safety.
A peaceful exchange.
Just memories
& the vivid imagination that we all are gifted with.
I'm in this place where the music and words are there.
& though there is beauty, the raw awareness that words are carving a path, has time going by..
Something I could never tire of is twinkly lights.
The way they light & sparkle.
All the while children's eyes catch the moment as they gasp in awe.
Every single year, I watch our children give many gifts wholeheartedly.
Family traditions are so abundant.
Enjoying many gifts all month long.
Including but not limited to: reading together, helping hands, lighting candles, baking to share with neighbours, food hampers, dessert nights with friends, living room music gatherings, hay rides, hot chocolate outings, carolling, family movies, Turkey feasts...
While we most always are travelling each year, this one we are close to home. Along with 2 brand new cousins and Daryl's whole extended family.
The infamous Santa & Mrs.Claus may join us Christmas eve, to hand out Christmas stockings.
Hidden wrapped gifts will be brought out Christmas Day at our home
& each one will be opened or torn into with gusto. With just us.
There are many meaningful gift exchanges in our large family gatherings.
The emptiness under the tree was filled with love. That is where all the cousins often lay baby Jesus in his manger, under the tree.
"Because the star led the wise men to Jesus, they had gifts too."
All this to say I am so looking forward to all of this laughter, life & love.
~ Jesus' Birth
& the whole journey to now, is the reason we celebrate Christmas.~
Sunday, December 04, 2011
festive gifts :: give love away
It’s that time of year again when I really look back & see how peace continues to grow throughout the year.
To Family :: holding hands, watching each other take turns when someone has a new dance move, or instrument to play, listening to music together, singing, morning talks all piled on the couch (even when there is morning breath filling the air), sharing hugs, long walks, baking, adding salt when the meal needs flavour, decorating, crafts, co-operation, folding socks for all those toes….
In Unity :: friendship, kindness, having a meal together, thankful prayers. words of appreciation, community, achievements through working together, embracing and celebrating differences.
With Hope :: new beginnings, plans for the future, New Year resolutions, nurturing creativity or ideas, sowing seeds of hope.
Abundant Giving :: the joy of giving a smile, giving time, giving thought, giving a helping hand, giving meals.
Overall Gratitude :: in events, triumphs, challenges, importance of love, belonging, continuity, history, values.
Remembrances :: recollections of family or events from the past and their significance in the present, highlights of the previous year's events.
"The Joy of the Lord Is Your Strength" (Nehemiah 8:10)
To Family :: holding hands, watching each other take turns when someone has a new dance move, or instrument to play, listening to music together, singing, morning talks all piled on the couch (even when there is morning breath filling the air), sharing hugs, long walks, baking, adding salt when the meal needs flavour, decorating, crafts, co-operation, folding socks for all those toes….
In Unity :: friendship, kindness, having a meal together, thankful prayers. words of appreciation, community, achievements through working together, embracing and celebrating differences.
With Hope :: new beginnings, plans for the future, New Year resolutions, nurturing creativity or ideas, sowing seeds of hope.
Abundant Giving :: the joy of giving a smile, giving time, giving thought, giving a helping hand, giving meals.
Overall Gratitude :: in events, triumphs, challenges, importance of love, belonging, continuity, history, values.
Remembrances :: recollections of family or events from the past and their significance in the present, highlights of the previous year's events.
"The Joy of the Lord Is Your Strength" (Nehemiah 8:10)
Friday, December 02, 2011
What I'm working on Today
Reading: a blog Habit
Knitting: a new pattern for Winter Solstice.
Learning: routine & walks are part of our weekdays together.
Wishing: you a Monday full of gratitudes.
Knitting: a new pattern for Winter Solstice.
Learning: routine & walks are part of our weekdays together.
Wishing: you a Monday full of gratitudes.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
November 30: Three wonderful things that happened this month.
{one}
Dear Missy,
I have had 4 balls of yarn that You handed me on the last day in the Hills before venturing to the other side of our Country. If I may admit that the spontaneity did not take effect again until this last month. But I remembered watching the girls play in their tunics and had thoughts about knitting up something cozy again..for 3 dear friends of yours.
This little green ball knit a cowl, for Karyn.
& This little cream ball knit a gift for Gianna.
While these 2 green rovings of yarn rolled all the way into a beautiful sweater for Sadie.
They were given along with an explanation that you-Missy, passed them along. I am happy that your lovely friends can wear them now.
Love Alicia
{two}
A tea party, hosted by the wonderful, Sheila. Which in turn led to numerous connections we have together in this very small world.
The Tea House became a home away from ours. A place to spend precious moments with Karyn. All the while enjoying tea, savory meals, knitting for hours & visiting with friends.
{three}
The moment I realized that this stored up energy can be released with gusto.
for myself
for family
for friends.
A call for community was understood clearly, & we joined in an American Thanksgiving potluck feast.
{30 Days Hath November.
Thank you, for following along.}
Dear Missy,
I have had 4 balls of yarn that You handed me on the last day in the Hills before venturing to the other side of our Country. If I may admit that the spontaneity did not take effect again until this last month. But I remembered watching the girls play in their tunics and had thoughts about knitting up something cozy again..for 3 dear friends of yours.
This little green ball knit a cowl, for Karyn.
& This little cream ball knit a gift for Gianna.
While these 2 green rovings of yarn rolled all the way into a beautiful sweater for Sadie.
They were given along with an explanation that you-Missy, passed them along. I am happy that your lovely friends can wear them now.
Love Alicia
{two}
A tea party, hosted by the wonderful, Sheila. Which in turn led to numerous connections we have together in this very small world.
The Tea House became a home away from ours. A place to spend precious moments with Karyn. All the while enjoying tea, savory meals, knitting for hours & visiting with friends.
{three}
The moment I realized that this stored up energy can be released with gusto.
for myself
for family
for friends.
A call for community was understood clearly, & we joined in an American Thanksgiving potluck feast.
{30 Days Hath November.
Thank you, for following along.}
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Day 29: Someplace I'd like to visit.
Paris, France.
I would like to visit all the while during the New Year celebrations. A slow encounter, taking it all in. Strolling the streets. Sitting for awhile to savor an espresso. People watching. Visiting friends who would take tours throughout the historic sites. The sights, sounds, & experiences in and around this idea are enticing!
Monday, November 28, 2011
Day 28: Skills I would like to learn.
{sewing & embroidery}
Just a couple of skills that I want to learn. I've inherited my Grandmother's sewing machines & look forward to learning how to utilize them creatively. Although there is bound to be many trials. I would like to follow in the artistic footsteps of friends that have a keen sense & an eye for these crafts.
Just a couple of skills that I want to learn. I've inherited my Grandmother's sewing machines & look forward to learning how to utilize them creatively. Although there is bound to be many trials. I would like to follow in the artistic footsteps of friends that have a keen sense & an eye for these crafts.
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Day 27: Myself, one year ago.
September 2010.
December 2010.
Today I am reminded of written words for the New Year.
One word :: Hope.
To trust that within the air is - Your Hands - that will catch me.
"Tomorrow is only a day away and I pray for strength right now."
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Day 26: Something I am looking forward to
Our Little Town is opening a General Market this year. I'm looking forward to knitting with a friend, hopefully sharing a table, & meeting more faces from in & around our Community.
Friday, November 25, 2011
Day 25: The contents of my bag.
I mentioned the contents of my favorite mini bag are constantly changing. Today you would find all this contained as we headed out for a daily walk.
- 2 cup sleeves for hot or cold drinks.
- comb, hair elastic & hairpins
- 2 bracelets & 2 earrings
- 2 pairs of extra polkadot underwear for 2 girls :)
- iPhone
- hand sanitizer
- 10 fiddly doodads for eager hands.
- loose change, bills,
& cardholder (not pictured)
- 2 nail clippers
- 2 lip balms
- keys
This is the miniature version, when I am alone with all 4 children, we all pack our own bags for outings. Mine just holds the tried & true little needs for the day.
What's in your bag?
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Day 24: Something that means a lot to me.
{Quiet time}
You may find me walking throughout town.
Or driving to the city.
You may see me sitting by myself (reading, knitting or writing..) while the busy-ness of our home plays out around me.
The very essence of quiet time while everyone is away or sleeping, grounds me. I am thoughtful, with clarity. Life's pace slows down.
Sometimes emotions that have buried seeds throughout the day or week, begin to water..
Other times the inspiration is there to move my words away from thoughts
& into a meaningful post.
Let your own quiet times dear friends, be stillness. All there for the peace of your own moments. The writing on your hearts.
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Day 23: Eight things you didn't know about me.
1. I had 2 pet tarantulas, a pet pig, and a chicken when I was a kid.
2. I was born with 3 thumbs.
3. I wanted to be a forest ranger, live in a treehouse and raise 8 kids as a career option.
4. I performed live theatre for 5 seasons (Fame, Glass Menagerie, monologues...) & passed up an opportunity to go to New York.
5. I have never left North America.
6. When I'm nervous or anxious I count in patterns.
7. I have a crazy fear of bats. They make my skin crawl flying by in the night.
8. In the summertime I still skinny dip (day or night) in lakes, for fun!
2. I was born with 3 thumbs.
3. I wanted to be a forest ranger, live in a treehouse and raise 8 kids as a career option.
4. I performed live theatre for 5 seasons (Fame, Glass Menagerie, monologues...) & passed up an opportunity to go to New York.
5. I have never left North America.
6. When I'm nervous or anxious I count in patterns.
7. I have a crazy fear of bats. They make my skin crawl flying by in the night.
8. In the summertime I still skinny dip (day or night) in lakes, for fun!
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Monday, November 21, 2011
Sunday, November 20, 2011
November 20: A childhood anecdote.
One day while I was babysitting my sister & brother we went on a hike.
In the backyard.
Hours flew by as we explored acres and acres of backwoods.
We finally got to the train tracks but it was fenced to protect the neighbors' dairy cows & random wild animals.
We turned back to go home because there was another forest on the other side. No one else normally came that far into the woods.
Thinking we were lost, after exploring a bit on our way home, we stopped to play in the largest mud pit we had ever seen.
It was piled high.
We just got right in there and played until the sun started to go down.
Mom asked us where we had gone, when we arrived home finally,
& we had no reasonable explanation.
So we just shared about the huge mud pile. She laughed and asked if that was what she could smell as she went out back to grab a hose. We found out from her that the farm on the south side was planning to fertilize their massive field & the trucks had not loaded up yet.
The mud was manure!!
In the backyard.
Hours flew by as we explored acres and acres of backwoods.
We finally got to the train tracks but it was fenced to protect the neighbors' dairy cows & random wild animals.
We turned back to go home because there was another forest on the other side. No one else normally came that far into the woods.
Thinking we were lost, after exploring a bit on our way home, we stopped to play in the largest mud pit we had ever seen.
It was piled high.
We just got right in there and played until the sun started to go down.
Mom asked us where we had gone, when we arrived home finally,
& we had no reasonable explanation.
So we just shared about the huge mud pile. She laughed and asked if that was what she could smell as she went out back to grab a hose. We found out from her that the farm on the south side was planning to fertilize their massive field & the trucks had not loaded up yet.
The mud was manure!!
Saturday, November 19, 2011
Day 19: A silly self-portrait.
They were both mine. Indecisiveness at its finest. Shared the drinks & laughs with a friend.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)