Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Cold Writing Without Hesitating

I'm asked on a normal Tuesday:

"What does Depression feel like? How do you know when it really hits?"

What I want to answer with is this:

"The secret to figuring out life: All is grace. Because God's transfiguring all things for His glory." -1000 gifts.

But.. I have no answer.. only hesitation.

Waiting for the right moment to begin.. still waiting for the wise words to rise.

Instead this is my cold writing without hesitating.

What do I have to say here on paper with dust and with tears.

Whatever did I say to you to make you run away.

Forever in this moment I want to hold you.

Life is the definition of insanity.

Speak freely with love and the anger emerges.

Silence murders those moments we cannot stand to be patient.

What happens when frustration comes from no where.

& all we see is colors swirling in and out.

No pausing

only distant calls

so close

yet never far away.

Stand back and watch as our lives interact.

& you can see a call for emergent fear.

I can not explain.

I can not describe.

I will not become the pain, only bring to the surface healing.

As a child reaches for the security of love.

I will reach for the words to write here on paper.

With dust and with tears.

It has been painful to write.

There are so many loops and turns.

I never thought I would ever explore that again.

What needs to be said is that I have wanted help all this time.

& refused to accept it as well.

Helpful eyes, watch with compassion.

Helpful hands stretch out for unresponsive hugs.

Pain grows.

& before I know it

you can see it in my eyes

in my posture

hear it in my voice.

Paint the sky with stars they say.

See a new beginning and reach for it.

Go the distance.

Put yourself out on the line they say

& then I faint under pressure.

I collapse in a deep sleep

& hope that it lasts a long time.

There is not enough time to sleep.

There is not enough coffee to comfort my throat.

Steam the tears.

There is not enough love food to quench my hunger.

A hunger for what?

What am I dismissing?

Oh there is a deep hunger for God.

& then I dismiss my feelings of frustration.

Assuming that I will be found out

considered a fraud

useless to society.

With a feisty temper

& insane to boot.

Frustration is phenomenal to the human psyche.

You can feel the blood boil, see the colors swirl.

You can be a hundred miles off without a world in sight.

There is blackness.

It is causing you to fall into a far off place.

Outer space is off in the distance.

No sound

no air

it's all gone.

It's too far away.

All alone.

What is the first response?

Shutting down.

& then desperation.

Are you ready to give it all away?

Well then

Hallelujah!

Here we start again.

3 comments:

Grandma K said...

don't shut down.... keep writing and let whatever words come, just let them come. Cold writing ..... that says a lot right there......

I love you. A huge hug for you.......

Kmarie said...

I really understand this post:) That's all I can really say. I guess in that you are not alone:)
warmth and inspiration sent your way today

The Tea Bag said...

I love you. I love you. I. LOVE. YOU.