Our young beginnings were often noted as less than healthy.
20 years have passed.
I'm writing full circle from where tentative steps were being traced on the horizon. The crumbling foundation that may have only existed temporarily, is a reminder that although there is always hope, sometimes revealing the layers that are unravelling is also a healthy step towards healing.
A repost from January 2015.
////
Today again my eyes trace the whiteout - foggy sky. The tentative steps multiply as I tread softly on sheer ice. Listening to the wind blowing sweet wishes of peace & well being. My arms flail regaining steadiness, as my lungs fill & I catch my breath.
I've touched on memories weaved together from past and present here. Gathered a cardigan across my chest as I dove down to the heart of this matter. But softly spoken is not always the whole truth.
Him & I. We've held hands through almost 2 decades and I have continued to be all unglued piecing together the puzzle of my past. Breaking our hearts in a thousand places, not even leaving this spot. All before watching the sun go down on our sorrows.
Because really there is a secrecy that has shattered our privacy and kept us turning in circles.
A quietness in my soul healed a forever illness of mistrust. This year was claimed: brave. This mess was set up in plain view. Triumph over the tumultuous mountain of last summer. We were survivors. Changes began to unravel and August rush arrived.
We let loose the reigns, trust began to timidly return. As patterns began to write a new history throughout this last September I agreed to dance alongside my husband. Can I just reveal how in awe (I am) of how he dances.
Our first class flowed with every turn and plié ending with a breathless curtsy. Still uncertain of this season the walking paths looked so welcoming to continue threading my thoughts to the unknown days ahead.
I switch my ballet slippers for running shoes. Grab a few more layers to protect myself from the chill of October skies. Over the last minute I decide to only walk a few miles instead of a dozen and then change my shoes.
It's a trip off the curb only 10 minutes in and a silly little twist of my foot when I feel a snap in my calf and know something has gone ridiculously wrong.
My heart still feels see through, fractured, bearing the fault lines.
He is part of memories that dance through my mind, daily.
A couple of young newlyweds, early parents lost in daydreaming about tomorrow, inside jokes, & endless adventures.
I am overwhelmed sometimes how could I express an encompassing love after the impact of my hidden terrors on our marriage?
When you've experienced trauma from as early as utero onwards there is an inexplicable amount of triggers that catch everyone by surprise. He has offhandedly said many a line and watched wideyed witnessing my reactions. Read my eyes that urged him to.. leave me alone, hide, just go!
There is no where to run, nothing that can sever yourself from something that is not your fault.
He's held my sobbing body as I begged forgiveness, and ran for cover when I am clouded with disbelief. He's heard me repeat phrases that should fall on deafness but have been reciprocated with well recited absentminded backlash.
Hoarfrost thick as my hand lingers on groves of branches, bushes and individual trees. The forests here are few and far between. Look closely and their intricate designs will begin to gather through your eyelashes into your hair.. I breathe softly, memories of us.
His gaze caught mine sheepishly hiding eye contact under brand new bangs.
He invited all of us roommates to a birthday party 19 years ago that day. From Calgary to Three Hills, young and spontaneous of course we accepted. All piling into a tiny car the very next day adventuring to the small town on the prairies.
Our first evening together. Friends keeping warm under a new coat.
Dear Daryl,
You have held me, written words, spoken truth to me over the years.
You've laughed heartily when I've hmmphed and vice versus.
Our children watch eagerly and paint our lives colorful.
They need us to embrace our gifts.
We await signs the healing is fusing our hearts together as one, well travelled throughout life so far.
I see a hero of our story.
It's us.
Our next move.
Unravelling layers.
I love you.
20 years have passed.
I'm writing full circle from where tentative steps were being traced on the horizon. The crumbling foundation that may have only existed temporarily, is a reminder that although there is always hope, sometimes revealing the layers that are unravelling is also a healthy step towards healing.
A repost from January 2015.
////
Today again my eyes trace the whiteout - foggy sky. The tentative steps multiply as I tread softly on sheer ice. Listening to the wind blowing sweet wishes of peace & well being. My arms flail regaining steadiness, as my lungs fill & I catch my breath.
I've touched on memories weaved together from past and present here. Gathered a cardigan across my chest as I dove down to the heart of this matter. But softly spoken is not always the whole truth.
Him & I. We've held hands through almost 2 decades and I have continued to be all unglued piecing together the puzzle of my past. Breaking our hearts in a thousand places, not even leaving this spot. All before watching the sun go down on our sorrows.
Because really there is a secrecy that has shattered our privacy and kept us turning in circles.
A quietness in my soul healed a forever illness of mistrust. This year was claimed: brave. This mess was set up in plain view. Triumph over the tumultuous mountain of last summer. We were survivors. Changes began to unravel and August rush arrived.
We let loose the reigns, trust began to timidly return. As patterns began to write a new history throughout this last September I agreed to dance alongside my husband. Can I just reveal how in awe (I am) of how he dances.
Our first class flowed with every turn and plié ending with a breathless curtsy. Still uncertain of this season the walking paths looked so welcoming to continue threading my thoughts to the unknown days ahead.
I switch my ballet slippers for running shoes. Grab a few more layers to protect myself from the chill of October skies. Over the last minute I decide to only walk a few miles instead of a dozen and then change my shoes.
It's a trip off the curb only 10 minutes in and a silly little twist of my foot when I feel a snap in my calf and know something has gone ridiculously wrong.
My heart still feels see through, fractured, bearing the fault lines.
He is part of memories that dance through my mind, daily.
A couple of young newlyweds, early parents lost in daydreaming about tomorrow, inside jokes, & endless adventures.
I am overwhelmed sometimes how could I express an encompassing love after the impact of my hidden terrors on our marriage?
When you've experienced trauma from as early as utero onwards there is an inexplicable amount of triggers that catch everyone by surprise. He has offhandedly said many a line and watched wideyed witnessing my reactions. Read my eyes that urged him to.. leave me alone, hide, just go!
There is no where to run, nothing that can sever yourself from something that is not your fault.
He's held my sobbing body as I begged forgiveness, and ran for cover when I am clouded with disbelief. He's heard me repeat phrases that should fall on deafness but have been reciprocated with well recited absentminded backlash.
Hoarfrost thick as my hand lingers on groves of branches, bushes and individual trees. The forests here are few and far between. Look closely and their intricate designs will begin to gather through your eyelashes into your hair.. I breathe softly, memories of us.
His gaze caught mine sheepishly hiding eye contact under brand new bangs.
He invited all of us roommates to a birthday party 19 years ago that day. From Calgary to Three Hills, young and spontaneous of course we accepted. All piling into a tiny car the very next day adventuring to the small town on the prairies.
Our first evening together. Friends keeping warm under a new coat.
Dear Daryl,
You have held me, written words, spoken truth to me over the years.
You've laughed heartily when I've hmmphed and vice versus.
Our children watch eagerly and paint our lives colorful.
They need us to embrace our gifts.
We await signs the healing is fusing our hearts together as one, well travelled throughout life so far.
I see a hero of our story.
It's us.
Our next move.
Unravelling layers.
I love you.
1 comment:
I am so proud of you two! I love you.
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