We're playing hide and seek and I can't find my friends. I curl in a ball close to the sandbox and rock myself into a tizzy. Why was all the little kinders always smarter and faster than me?
I just want to be good.
Please let me good at this game.
I run fast.
They hoop and holler.
Makeshift slingshots of pinecones and pebbles whip through the air. But they miss me. By a long shot. Sailing through the forest around our little kindergarten. With long red pigtail braids spinning helicopters behind me. Not giving up until all of the kids are too winded to follow pursuit.
I grew up needing approval.
Soaking in every look from a teacher, note from a friends parent, spelling bee medal, winning track meet ribbons, and race congratulations. Along with every card in their envelopes and post it notes from friends and family. They were all cherished in pretty boxes brought along through countless moves. Eventually it was a turn of the page in my chemistry textbook while my marks struggled to stay above B. Flagpole prayer meetings and testimonies finished my grade 12 year with barely a passing grade to Graduate.
Is everything in life worth fighting for? I grew up believing that my life's worth depended on someone else's approval. If I wore the most modest clothes and was seen but not heard.
I became an adult cringing from the tender touches and innocent displays of love. Frightened of the dark and what lurked behind closed doors. Trapped in a corner waiting for the right words to express what my heart wanted to express. Expecting what the closest family needed was for me to be more capable - less vulnerable.
And we're all spiraling down this tunnel of memories. Wrapping our wounded hearts with see through gauze. Our vulnerability closer to our souls so far all our own.
We all have scars from the pain of being misunderstood.
We all have questioned our worth.
Surround yourself with those on the same journey. Daydreams may
lead to healing.
You & I are worth it.
We were made for magnificent things.
